Life is Like a Cheese Sandwich
by duskysunset
Summary: Usopp never intended to push that button and get himself trapped in that cave. And he certainly never intended for Zoro to be trapped with him. Nevertheless, what's done was done, and now all there was to do was sit back, relax, and wait to be rescued. And annoy Zoro, of course. -Gift fic for Seren-


For the lovely and ever so benevolent Serendipital... To another great year together!

-Life Is Like A Cheese Sandwich-

"He-Hey, Zoro! Let's try to refrain from slaughtering crew members, okay?"

"..."

"It was an accident, I swear!"

"Yeah. And that means so much, coming from you."

"Eheheh..."

"Look, you got us into this mess. Now get. Us. Out."

"Uh, yeah, about that... Oh! Of course! Luffy'll save us, he can definitely punch through all this rock and debris. ...Come to think of it, why can't you just cut through it with your sword skills and stuff?"

"First of all, who knows how long it'll take for everyone to find us? Second, my 'sword skills' have their limits. This is too thick, even for all three of my swords. Cutting through the first layer will only make the second collapse on us."

"So...we're stuck here."

"Pretty much."

"...Well, this is just great."

"Don't forget who's fault this is in the first place."

"Right. But come on, didn't you see that button? It was just begging to be pushed!"

"...You are an idiot."

"Hey, Luffy's a bigger idiot than I am!"

"..."

"Okay, okay, don't give me that 'well, obviously' look. I was just making a point."

"Luffy is the biggest idiot on our ship, but you come a close second."

"Feeling the love here, Zoro."

"...Since we're stuck here anyway, I might as well do some training."

"Huh-? Uh, what are you doing with those two gigantic boulders...? Oh my dear god in high heaven, _don't you dare drop those on me!_"

"Calm down. I'm using them in place of the weights I usually lift."

"Oh. ...Well, no one ever said you weren't resourceful."

"Hn."

"..."

"Hn!"

"..."

"HN."

"You know, Zoro, the grunts you're making sound awfully similar to the kind people make during-"

"Don't even finish that sentence."

"Just saying."

"...I think that's enough training for now."

"What I said is gonna echo in your head every time you lift weights, right? Ha!"

"..."

"Eheh, please put the boulders down, Zoro. Remember what we said about murdering one's crewmates?"

"..."

"Thank you. Now, where were we? Ah! Since you've finished doing what you were doing, wanna play a game?"

"I'm not Chopper, Usopp."

"I know that, but I'm bored."

"Play with yourself, then."

"...You do realize how inappropriate that sounds?"

"Shut up. You know what I mean."

"Aw, is wittle Zoro blushing? Are you a virgin?"

"..."

"Oh my god, _you are_. HAHAHA! This is the best day ever...I, Captain Usopp, have uncovered the greatest blackmail material known to man!"

"If you ever tell a soul, I will kill you in your sleep."

"Comforting thought...fine. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone...maybe."

"Usopp..."

"Okay, okay! My lips are sealed!"

"Coming from the liar of the crew, my response to that is: they'd better be."

"Do you always use threats to get your way in life? That's not healthy, you know."

"It's better than having a compulsive lying disorder."

"For your information, I don't lie! I just tell untruths!"

"What's the difference?"

"There is none, but I had to reply with _something_."

"Alright then."

"But really, I'm shocked to hear that. What about Tashigi, that Marine chick who's obsessed with you?"

"Seriously? She's too much like a stalker, for one thing, plus she brings back bad memories."

"I see...well, what about that girl from your childhood? Kuina, I think it was?"

"We were twelve. And those are the bad memories I'm talking about."

"Hm, a little older than when I had my first time..."

"Right. You're a virgin too, aren't you?"

"I most certainly am not! I've lost it a thousand times over! From buxom blondes to ravishing redheads, I've been with them all!"

"...Yeah, you're a virgin."

"Shut it."

"What about Kaya, though? She seemed to like you a lot."

"Please, even if I could sneak into her garden I could never get into her room with that damn butler of hers prowling about."

"Ah. That must have sucked."

"Yeah, well, she was kinda in bed all day for a reason. I doubt I could've tried anything with her anyway, considering her condition."

"Are you really gonna go back for her once this is all over?"

"Probably. I made a promise, didn't I? Besides, Kaya's a nice girl. She put up with me through all those years, after all."

"Definitely have to give her credit for that. I doubt I could spend a night stuck here with you without killing one of us."

"Hey, not cool, man. You managed to refrain from killing me twice already, right? I'd say that's progress."

"That was only possible due to my amazing self-control. If you annoy me further, I'm not sure how much longer I can last."

"Huh, aggressive and arrogant. What a catch you are."

"Amazing how you act so snarky with me, but piss yourself the moment a big bad enemy comes into the picture."

"That's cause I haven't seen those guys get lost by running around in circles for hours on a five square mile long island."

"I didn't even have a map!"

"Excuses, excuses."

"Tch, at least I got on the island instead of saying that I had a disease preventing me from setting foot on any land for five to six days."

"I'll have you know that I really was feeling under the weather that time!"

"Who's making excuses now?"

"...Touche."

"Hn."

"You know, I was talking with Robin once and she told me that the flower you reminded her of was thistle. I can see why."

"Oh yeah? What flower did she say you resembled?"

"Why, she likened me to the spiny, ferocious Venus Flytrap! A carnivorous plant that lures its prey out and then captures it-"

"She said that you were a daisy, didn't she."

"Wha-? How did you know?!"

"She told me the same thing, moron."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"..."

"..."

"I've also been told that the animal I resemble is an armadillo."

"Are you just spouting out random things now just for the sake of talking?"

"Pretty much."

"Thought so."

"And the same person said that you reminded them of a shark."

"Is that suppose to be a compliment?"

"Well, depends on how you look at it. On one hand, they are loathsome, half-blind creatures that, unlike you, have to keep moving to stay alive."

"..."

"But on the other, they're fearsome, fast and agile predators with the strength of fifty bulls."

"..."

"So, take it as you will."

"Hn."

"..."

"..."

"Hey, has it occurred to you that it's been at least an hour and we still haven't been found?"

"Everyone must have gone back to the ship. It was getting dark when you got us trapped here."

"B-But they had to have realized we were missing!"

"Not necessarily. They probably thought that we got lost-"

"You mean you got us lost."

"-and figured we'd be back in the morning."

"So...we're stuck here for the night."

"Looks like it."

"You're remarkably calm about this all of a sudden."

"I just realized that this could have been worse. I could have been with Sanji when this happened."

"That's the spirit! See-"

"Then again, I don't think even he would have _pressed the damn button_."

"Um. Picture yourself in a happy place, Zoro..."

"I mean, seriously! Who the hell gets enticed into doing something that stupid, just for the sake of being stupid?!"

"C-Calm down! Just- let's think of good memories between us, okay?"

"Like that's going to be easy."

"TRY, at least, geez."

"Tch, fine."

"..."

"..."

"...I'm drawing a blank."

"I'm hurt, Zoro. Hey! What about that morning last week? That wasn't too bad of a day."

"What are talking about? Oh..."

**-flashback-**

"Get your long nose back here, you sorry excuse for a pirate!"

"HAHAHAHAHA- look, everyone! Zoro's hair is _pink_!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"AHAHA- hey, Sanji! Looks like you can't call him 'Marimo' anymore!"

**-end flashback- **

"It took me five hours to wash that out of my hair!"

"No, idiot! The day before that! ...Besides, I made sure the dye wasn't permanent..."

"Huh? The day before? ..."

**-flashback-**

"Morning, Zoro!"

"Hey."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...So, no prank today?"

"Nah, I figured I'd give you a break."

"That just means you're planning something, doesn't it? Well, whatever. I'll enjoy a day of freedom."

**-end flashback- **

"...That counts as a good memory between us?"

"Well, yeah. What did you expect?"

"You do have a point there."

"Exactly."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Are you_ positive _you can't cut through this rock with your swords?"

"_Yes. _How many times do I have to tell you?"

"So, let me get this straight: you sliced apart a guy made of pure steel, but you can't cut through this measly wall of earth?"

"I could, but then we'd both be crushed under that 'measly wall of earth'."

"Alas, my awesome sniper skills won't do any good here..."

"You know, it just occurred to me how different our fighting methods are."

"...Yeah, you're right! I mean, you go right to the front of every battle and hack and slash at the opponent-"

"While you stay in the back and fire random ammunition from your slingshots."

"Precisely. Isn't that weird, how opposite our styles are?"

"Hn. Anyway, you'd better resign yourself to being trapped for the night, like I have."

"I had, but I just realized something."

"What?"

"I'm starving."

"Tough luck."

"But Zorooo...aren't you hungry too?"

"No."

"Hmph, so you don't have any food?"

"Of course not! Do you see me carrying a picnic basket here?"

"Alright alright, I was just asking. I could really go for some pike right now..."

"I hate pike."

"Le gasp! BLASPHEMY! Wait, do I have any food? Lemme search my pockets to make sure..."

"..."

"Holy buckets! Yes! A whole half of a cheese sandwich, and it's all mine!"

"..."

"...Zoro, are you salivating?"

"Wh-What? No!"

"Geez, now's not the time for your blockheaded pride. If you're hungry, just say so."

"I'm not hungry! Just eat the damn sandwich already!"

"...And this is why people call you irrationally stubborn. Here, have half."

"Shut up! I don't want it!"

"I'm telling you, take the blasted wheat and milk product already or I'll stuff it down your throat myself!"

"I'd like to see you try."

"You should have realized by now that my threats are more for comic exaggeration than anything else."

"Whatever."

"Look, if you won't eat it I'm throwing it away anyway. So you might as well."

"...Fine. But this is only because I don't like seeing things go to waste."

"Whatever you say, buddy."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"That...was possibly the most delicious thing I have ever ingested in my entire seventeen years of existence."

"That's only the hunger talking, idiot."

"I know_ that_, but it doesn't change the fact that right now I cannot be more grateful for small miracles such as this."

"Comic exaggeration again?"

"Now you're gettin' it."

"Well, if you're the comic relief, what am I?"

"Isn't that obvious? You're the beefy, aggressive prick of a side character."

"What?!"

"Kidding, kidding! No, you're the tough, serious guy with a temper who keeps Luffy from killing us all. Don't worry, your position in the crew is pretty secure."

"Hn. Then Luffy would be the idiotic, air-headed glutton of a main character?"

"Yup. And Sanji's the perverted-but-has-his-cool-moments guy."

"Nami's the 'girl'..."

"Chopper's the cute, non-human, animal-like character."

"Hm, Robin...Robin would be the 'dark, stoic, mysterious' type."

"Ooh! And Franky's the weird, huge, exotic-haired big guy."

"And Brook would be the undead, musically-inclined old dude with a catchphrase."

"Several, in fact."

"Mm."

"I think that pretty much sums everyone up."

"We have a somewhat bizarre crew, don't we?"

"Oh, definitely."

"That would explain why, on every adventure, we always somehow manage to get involved in situations that result in complete and utter bedlam."

"Precisely."

"You're not complaining though, right?"

"No sirree."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Mhm."

"..."

"..."

"Do you hear that?"

"Holy bleep on a bleep sandwich! We're being rescued!"

"I hear Luffy laughing up a storm up there, so I guess you're right."

"He really is the idiotic, air-headed glutton, huh."

"Absolutely."

"...HEY GUYS! WE'RE DOWN HERE! HURRY UP!"

"Quiet down, they're almost done. Quit being so impatient."

"Excuse me, princess; I just can't stand another second of being trapped in this tiny enclosure with you! I just realized I have claustrophobia!"

"Uh-huh. Well, nice knowing that those past few hours together were so unbearable for you."

"Come on, I didn't mean it like that. …Actually, spending some time together, even under these conditions, was still kinda fun, if ya know what I mean."

"Yeah."

"..."

"..."

"Maybe we could do this again sometime?"

"So long as it doesn't involve anything accidental on your part, I suppose I'm okay with that."

"Hey, are you gonna hold that over my head forever?"

"No. Just until something new comes up."

"Bastard."

"Coward."

"Marimo."

"Long nose."

"I dyed your hair fuchsia today, just so you know."

"WHAT?!"

-end-

Reviews would be very much appreciated. Thank you for your consideration.


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